Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Holiday Sadness

I know...it's a depressing title.

This post is sad.

Last year around this time, I wrote of Soldiers who live with PTSD. Christmas is a difficult time for those with depression...it's a time for reflection of what we have...I suppose those who feel they don't have much, struggle through the holiday season.

So much of my blog is about our Soldiers. Today is a personal post. Today is one of those 'self-therapy' posts. (Feel free to exit, but close the door gently, please)

My cousin took her own life last Thursday. I have to admit, I did not know her well. Her dad is my Uncle Fred, my dad's idential twin. My dad and his twin were separated when they were around 6 years old by divorce. My dad's mother only wanted Fred, as a result my dad was raised by my Grandpa and my Grandmother (literally Step-Grandmother...but, she was my Grandmother!) Growing up; we saw my uncle, his wife and their four children from time to time. I remember one time, Dad picked Uncle Fred up from the airport...we went running to greet Uncle Fred at the passenger side of the car, it took a few moments to realize it was Dad! I'm telling you, they were identical! Uncle Fred passed away in 1974, I don't recall details...just that he became addicted to Rx drugs. His daughter Melinda had surgery a year ago, she too became addicted to her pain relievers. This addiction cost her, her 17 year marriage. Melinda felt shut out by her daughter (who was expecting a son), her friends... Her brother told me she finally knows peace. I read a poem which was written by a friend she had reached out to...he put her off, didn't return her phone calls... oh, the pain depression can cause.

I do apologize for this being such a scrambled post... I didn't know Melinda well; probably had not seen her in 10 to 15 years. But we shared identical twin brothers, as our fathers. As I write this, I miss my Dad terribly. He and I would talk about this, and he would make my heart hurt less. How grateful I am, that God gave me my dad. A man who was rejected by his own mother... yet four and a half years after his death, I know how deeply he loves me.

Melinda's suffering is over. I pray she is being rocked in the loving arms of God. I pray that all those who are silently screaming for help, are heard by someone.

I miss my Dad.

13 comments:

AFWingMom said...

Thanks for sharing a personal part of yourself. Sometimes we don't necessarily know the right words to say as I don't right now. I hope you will find some comfort that I read your words and I echo your prayer for all those who are hurting. (((hugs)))

Bogart in P Towne said...

Thank you for sharing. I hope you and your family find comfort.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Suicide is something nobody wants to talk about or get help with until it's too late.
I've been a cop for 30 years and all the suicides I've responded to are still in my head...not the person who checked out...but the family who was left behind wondering: "WHY?"
Everybody should know what signs to look for and step up before it's too late.
It's the family and friends left behind that suffer the most.

Coffeypot said...

Suicide does ease the pain and heartache of living; though about it myself. But I also have know others who have checked their own self out and I saw what it did to the family and friends. Innocent people hurting and wondering because of the selfish act. I couldn’t do that to my family, so I worked on changing my attitude and environment. It seems to be working somewhat. Humor helps.

But you are a feeler and a lover and any death would bother you. I’m sorry for your sadness but you also have children and grandchildren that will give you the happiness you deserve.

jojo said...

I think if they knew how much pain and suffering their death would cause that they wouldn't go there. I am so sorry...it's a hard one to deal with since suicide is never talked about and leaves the family with no way to find peace. Please know I am thinking of you...Blessed be you heart...jj

AirmanMom said...

af wing mom...I thank you.

AirmanMom said...

bogart...thank you.

AirmanMom said...

ci roller dude...I pray your heart remains soft, despite the images in your head. thank you for your words.

AirmanMom said...

coffeypot...My children and grandchildren do bring so much joy into my life...truth is, I know everyone holds some joy, it's just a matter of seeing it and deeply appreciating what we have-try not to focus on what we don't have.

AirmanMom said...

jojo...I thank you for your kind words!

MightyMom said...

I"m sorry to hear this.

God Bless your family as you try to move forward. and God bless her.

gwen said...

Yes the temptation to remove the pain by taking my life has been a constant companion in my life since my dad was killed in a 1956 auto accident when I was 8. I studied my thought processes a couple of years ago to try to put an end to the endless loop of thought in my brain and came to the conclusion that it was a form of self power that I had developed as a powerless child with no escape from the pain I was feeling at the loss of my dad. I couldn't smoke, drink or do other things that older people can do to escape the pain. My family wasn't very understanding of my feelings of loss - so I thought of killing myself. Through the years it became a habit and an odd source of comfort/escape from the pain of life. I have lost 2 children, my beloved husband and many friends and family but know that taking my life will not make anything better. I also know that

lorraine said...

somehow the above comment came up as from a qwen. Poor gwen - this is not her comment and it wasn't completed - I am trying to delete it and start over - how to do? Please do not attribute these comments to gwen. She did not experience these loses - I did - I have no idea how this happened. lorraine